Humorous Quotes

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

~Jack Handey

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

~Dilbert

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

 ~Author Unknown

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

~Benjamin Franklin

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

~Mark Twain

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

 ~David Brent

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

~David Brent

Sometimes life's Hell. But hey! Whatever gets the marshmallows toasty.

~J. Andrew Helt

 A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

~Herm Albright

 We find things where we look for them, which is why I never look for a golf ball out of bounds.

~Robert Brault

 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

~Robert Bloch

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

~Jerry Seinfeld

 I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

~ Author Unknown